Cars 2 (2011)

In preparation for writing this, I re-read my old review of Cars from way back in 2006 to make sure I didn’t really repeat myself and to see how much I disliked the movie.  Looking at the rating I gave it (3.5/5) reminds me that for all the shit I give my old pretentious movie-reviewing self, I was also far too forgiving.  Or maybe I could just stomach Cars that much more than the sequel, because holy hell I did not like Cars 2 at all.

Normally I have the highest of praise for anything Pixar-related because the movies they make, make me feel.  The only things Cars 2 made me feel were depressed and dead inside.  Pretty much everyone agrees that the first Cars was Pixar’s weakest film to date, and that the only reason a sequel was made is because memorabilia and toys from the first movie continues to make hundreds of millions of dollars for Disney, because little boys like car toys.

This is a movie that maintains the original absolutely dumb premise of the cars talking/living in a world where there are no humans apparently which – again – MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE.  But, I digress.  It also contains that offensively racist comedian, Larry the Cable Guy, providing the voice for Mater, the offensively racist tow truck.  There is so much Mater in this movie, that it should not be called Cars 2 without some absurd sub-title relating to Mater being attached to it.  It also contains what I perceive to be the weakest attention to detail for a Pixar movie ever.  You look at some of the scenes with Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson) in them, and the headlights on him appear to have all the depth of a decal.

The vocal casting continues the first movie’s tradition of catering to ethnic stereotypes whilst barely straddling the line of being racist.  That being said, I enjoyed some of the performances, and that is the only reason this movie rates at all with me.  I didn’t go into watching Cars 2 expecting something emotional like Up, but I was still hoping that it would be at least as alright as the first Cars, not the terribly hollow and moronic movie I got instead.  When the Fast & Furious Franchise is more appealing to me than a Pixar movie, you know it cannot be good by any stretch of the imagination.

This is easily the worst movie that Pixar has ever made, and hopefully will always be that way.

0.5 / 5

American Breakdown (2008)

Trying to locate information on this movie was like trying to find the Loch Ness Monster.  It turns out it actually was released as Stories USA the year previous.  For some reason it is new to DVD this year, probably after coming to some sort of agreement with the principal name actors involved that it would not be marketed at all, ever.  It is comprised of six short films that were made from 2001 to 2006 by different directors, all starring different sets of actors, all having no interaction with the previous installment.  It is like Four Rooms if the rooms were all in different parts of the world with different languages being spoken, that’s how different all the stories are.

Look at that poster and think wow, those are some .. okay, there’s at least two good actors there, one passable, one alright in Fast & Furious movies and one vapid husk of of skin.  And if you look at the rest of the tags, you’ll see that there are some other name actors and character players and oh god it was so fucking bad.  To me it looked like the worst part about being famous was that you’d have shitty, talentless friends that ask you to help out with a movie and then ten years down the line you’d see it and go “OH fuck, how can I bury this?”

The only reason this has half a star for its rating is that the Steve Carell / Ian Gomez / Eric Stonestreet / dodge ball bit was kinda entertaining and decently made.  The rest are like film school final projects.  I have a perverse desire to find out more about this movie just to see how all these actors were roped into it.  Do not waste your time with it.  The only reason I can fathom it being released on DVD now is because pretty much everyone on that DVD cover is a marketable name.

0.5 / 5