Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)

First of all, I’m pissed that this is the third Transformers movie and where the hell is Judd Nelson?  Secondly, it isn’t as bad as Revenge of the Fallen was, I mean, how could it be, right?  That thing was a steaming pile of excrement.  However, just because it’s better, doesn’t mean it’s good.  I’m sure a more anal-retentive person that cares more about Transformers could dissect all the plot holes in this film and rage for hours, but since I don’t care about the mythology and long ago learned to divorce source material from film (thank you Bourne trilogy), I’m not going to do that.

All I’m going to say is that it is a far less racist film than the preceding one.  There’s a tonne of name actors and That Guys in the movie, and the best portions of the movie involve the awesome Alan Tudyk.  Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is a less impressive Megan Fox, just as Ken Jeong is a less impressive Rainn Wilson.  The “twist” can be seen a mile away (and I need to find a new metaphor for that), and the fight scenes contain much robot-on-robot violence and thousands of humans dying.  It is ridiculous and easily the most tragic thing I’ve seen today.  Patrick Dempsey lets us all have a little therapy by finally acting like the douchebag we want him to be, but sadly gets owned by Shia LaBeouf.  And other things happen.

It’s not a good movie, not even average for what I would expect a popcorn movie to be.  It won’t make you forget about how terrible Revenge of the Fallen was, and it is far too long by about 45 minutes.  If you must see it, watch it, but you have been warned, human.

2 / 5