Total Recall (2012)

I actually think this is a decent-looking poster.

I actually think this is a decent-looking poster.

Directed by: Len Wiseman (as mentioned last week, the best thing he’s ever done is marry Kate Beckinsale, and I guess Live Free or Die Hard is his best movie)

Written by: Kurt Wimmer and Mark Bomback, loosely based off a Philip K. Dick short story

Starring: Colin Farrell, Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel, Bryan Cranston, John Cho, Bill Nighy and Bokeem Woodbine.

What it’s about: a remake of the 1990 movie of the same title, a guy finds out that his memories aren’t really his or something, I don’t know, it is dumb

B-Movie Alternate Title: Total Recall: 2012

Movie Mash Up: The Bourne Identity + the original Total Recall I guess + a bit of Minority Report

What I liked: How much Wiseman likes to film his wife in her underpants.  Um, Farrell and Cranston were alright.  There were some great action set pieces and the movie looked – for the most part – quite slick.

What I disliked: Holy fucking lens flares.  I thought J.J. Abrams directed at least half this movie.  For the entire movie I was convinced I knew what the “twist” was going to be and then they didn’t even have the balls to use that twist which would have made more sense than the end result.  Maybe.  All I know is I stopped caring about halfway through.  I thought it was more dumb than cerebral.  There was no reason to remake Total Recall at all.  I barely remembered it to begin with, and now we’ve got Red Dawn 2012 and soon RoboCop: The Next Generation or something stupid.  FUCK OFF HOLLYWOOD.  There’s a reason my interest in watching new movies has dwindled considerably, because they are not new, they are just remakes, retreads, reboots or reimaginings.  Also, the fucking dubstep soundtrack/score.  Years from now people will hear it and remember that for a brief terrifying period in human history, we listened to actual noise for entertainment.

Would I recommend it to anyone?: Not really.  I mean, there’s nothing significant about it at all.  Maybe if Jessica Biel and Kate Beckinsale had a spank-fight in their underwears during Farrell’s Rekall memory implant thing, I could endorse it.

Rating: 1 / 5

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About SkoochXC
Long-time blogger, Canadian, cine-snark-aphile, Tweeter and generally lonely hearted guy.

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