Rock of Ages (2012)

Directed by: Adam Shankman (I saw Bringing Down the House once)

Written by: Chris D’Arienzo, Allan Loeb and inexplicably Justin Theroux, based off of D’Arienzo’s musical of the same name

Starring: Julianne Hough, Diego Boneta, Paul Giamatti, Alec Baldwin, Russell Brand, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Bryan Cranston, Malin Åkerman and Tom Cruise, with a number of cameo appearances as well.

What it’s about: a small town girl moves to Los Angeles to become a famous singer or some shit

B-Movie Alternate Title: ugh I can’t even sum up the creative juices to come up with one for this horrid piece of garbage.

Movie Mash Up: Empire RecordsFootlooseChicagoDetroit Rock City churned in a “Glee” blender

What I liked: Absolutely nothing.  Literally five minutes into it I Tweeted that it was already horrible.

What I disliked: EVERYTHING.  It is a terrible movie, not just because it’s a musical (I am not prejudiced against musicals) but because it is one of the worst-written, cheesily-acted movies that has come out in a long time.  I was embarrassed for actors like Giamatti and Bryan Cranston being in this film.  I have no idea what the target demographic for this film was, because everyone that enjoyed Cruise’s extended cameo performance in Tropic Thunder were not going to be interested in seeing him as an aging rock god.  It might have been extremely faithful to the source material but I don’t give a damn because sometimes musicals are impossible to adapt to the screen without seeming terrible.  Like Phantom of the Opera in 2004, it was a painful exercise in futility.  Movies like this make me wish I could get black-out drunk and forget I ever saw it.  Horrible.

Would I recommend it to anyone?: Did you read what I just wrote?  No one deserves the pain of sitting through this.  Terrible, atrocious movie with crap performances and lines that would embarrass a 5-year-old to have to deliver.

Rating: 0 / 5

About SkoochXC
Long-time blogger, Canadian, cine-snark-aphile, Tweeter and generally lonely hearted guy.

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