Battleship (2012)

Ugh.  I never thought that in our lifetimes we would be seeing movies based upon board games.  The video games into movies phenomenon was pretty much bad enough, but board games?  How long until there’s a goddamn Uno movie?  And do you know how much it made at the box office?  Over $300 million.  And I just spent two hours of my life watching it too, so who are the real criminals here?  The existence of this movie raises so many rhetorical nonsense questions.

Directed by Peter Berg, Battleship has very little to do with the board game that “inspired” the screenplay.  There’s literally one fucking scene in the movie where they are targeting enemy ships, and they aren’t even human ships, they’re goddamn alien ships.  I suppose we’ve become so sensitive as a society that we are not willing to label any country an enemy if there’s a chance that the movie will make money over there, so they had to make the enemies goddamn aliens.

The disaster film / USA! USA! USA! film genre is chock full of amazingly terrifying images, especially with the advent of CGI.  I remember watching 2012 and thinking “wow, it appears we’ve all gotten over that whole 9/11 thing because this is literally the most traumatic purposely filmed movie I’ve ever seen.”  Battleship involves many of those scenes, except they generally take place in Hong Kong (which I’ve grown kind of fond of thanks to playing “Sleeping Dogs” lately) and involve a disturbing disregard for the amount of human lives lost there.  So there’s that.

The cast is filled with pretty Hollywood people and inexplicably Rihanna as well.  Not that she’s not pretty or whatever, it’s just Why?  Taylor Kitsch continues to show that his John Carter performance wasn’t a one-hit wonder with another charismatic leading role here.  Still has a stupid name, though.  Ugh, I’m done writing this.  It’s a popcorn movie that is dumb and don’t think about it too hard because you’ll end up confusing yourself.

1.5 / 5


About SkoochXC
Long-time blogger, Canadian, cine-snark-aphile, Tweeter and generally lonely hearted guy.

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