Abduction (2011)

The Alpaca Identity

I can’t express how much joy I feel now that I’ve accomplished my #movieaday goal for 2011.  I could use this entire write-up to talk about memories and traumas and then sum up Abduction as something akin to what you would flush down a toilet, but it was so bad that there should be some explanation behind that.

First of all, it stars Taylor Lautner, another of those inexplicably popular male stars.  I cannot explain it, as he’s not even attractive, and I can admit when a man is attractive.  When Google auto-completes “Taylor Lautner is an”, it suggests “alpaca”.  And it is true.

See?

There are so many reasons to hate this movie, and the first is merely Lautner.  The second is that it wastes the great talents of actors Maria Bello, Alfred Molina, Sigourney Weaver, JASON FREAKING ISAACS and Michael Nyqvist.  Reasons three to whatever random number is that Shawn Christensen is either a horrible screenwriter, or John Singleton is a terrible director, or whoever edited this mess together was all “Ah fuck it, it’s going to make money anyways!” or who knows what else.  This is a movie so bad that I have no doubt it will be RIFFTRAX’d.

And the title barely has anything to do with the movie!  It’s a tenuous connection at best, and made worst (I typed that originally and this movie is apparently dangerous to brain cells so I’m going to leave it as a warning to the rest of you) by the fact that it is proven completely false throughout the film.  The plot twist is such a tired Bourne, Taken, whatever else derp derp fart ripoff you can think of.  I hated it, not on the level that I hated Zookeeper (and I haven’t watched the other horrible-looking Happy Madison productions from this year yet, so Zookeeper might not be my #1 Worst), but it was still a palpable level of hate.

There are no reasons for movies like this to be made.  I was five minutes into it and already live-Tweeting how horrible it was.  FUCK look at that poster, it’s a direct rip-off of The Bourne Identity poster!  If you see a display for this movie, do me a favour and shove it over.

0 / 5

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About SkoochXC
Long-time blogger, Canadian, cine-snark-aphile, Tweeter and generally lonely hearted guy.

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