The Polar Express (2004)

Okay, hopefully this is the last Robert Zemeckis directed horrifying motion capture picture film that I have to ever watch in my entire life.  Unless of course, he adapts it to making ACTUAL horror movies which would be of a long ago lost brilliance that Zemeckis used to have.  I mean, if you want people to be scared or creeped out anyways, using motion capture would easily push it in that direction right off the bat.  I AM A GODDAMN GENIUS.

Anyways, this movie is based off of the children’s book of the same title, which I somehow never came into contact with in my entire life.  It centres around the unnamed Hero Boy (voiced by Daryl Sabara) and his disbelief of Santa Claus.  Shocking, I know, how could someone dare question the belief in something that they have no physical proof exists.  I’ll try to keep my anti-religious agenda out of the rest of this review.  Anyways, HB gets on The Polar Express which just magically stops outside his house on Christmas Eve.  Then a freakish Tom Hanks motion capture animated conductor hops out and invites HB to get on the train.  TERRIFYING.

A bunch of Christmas things happen, and I assure you, I’m not dead inside, but the motion capture animation was at the best of times mildly unsettling, and at the worst stomach churningly awful, so therefore I cannot recommend this as a worthwhile Christmas or any kind of movie.  Watch The Ref or Bad Santa or Die Hard or Lethal Weapon or Gremlins instead.  Hell, watch Elf.

1.5 / 5


About SkoochXC
Long-time blogger, Canadian, cine-snark-aphile, Tweeter and generally lonely hearted guy.

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