Colombiana (2011)

Right off the bat, I’m not going to lie to you, I hated this movie.  It tried so hard to be smart, but in the end it just was so painfully dumb and derivative of earlier works.  It seems like it wants to be The Professional II: What Happens When Mathilda Grows Up and if you think that’s a terribly unclever idea for the title of the movie, well my approach to writing that mocking title was about as ham-fisted as the writing of the inexplicably-named Columbiana.

It’s weird when directors essentially make a public declaration of giving up, and that’s pretty much what Luc Besson did with this movie.  It’s a rip-off / amalgamation of two of his earlier works, Nikita and Leon: The Professional, only Besson didn’t direct this steaming pile of garbage, he just wrote it.  There are so many things it wants to be: a Bourne movie, Salt, Hanna, it just… ugh.  When Quentin Tarantino pays homage to movies, it is different because he essentially copies the exact same scene or whatever.  When you copy but tweak, well that’s just garbage, especially when you’re ripping off yourself!

Zoë Saldana is essentially reprising the role of Mathilda that made Natalie Portman famous, and Cliff Curtis takes over the Danny Aiello role.  There is even a line in the movie where a character named Willy has his name spoken, and then he uses “one” and “blood” in the first sentence he speaks like Besson wanted desperately to remind us that Willi One Blood was in Leon and no, I don’t think I’m reading too far into it.  It was like a PostSecret to the guy who gave us this song.

Some of the action scenes are decent, and the girl who plays the younger version of Saldana’s character is kinda good, but altogether this movie is nothing at all that you haven’t seen done better before.  I like Saldana, and it’s always great to see Cliff Curtis in a movie, and good to see Michael Vartan and Callum Blue in a movie too, just wish they were all in something far better than this.

1 / 5


About SkoochXC
Long-time blogger, Canadian, cine-snark-aphile, Tweeter and generally lonely hearted guy.

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