Conan the Barbarian (2011)

Full confession: I had never seen a Conan movie before this one.  So I have no emotional ties to the original Arnold Schwarzenegger movies and don’t care that it is a remake or reimagination or whatever the hell buzzword Hollywood is using to describe every unoriginal thought they shove into production.  If you want to sit there and rage and write your own review about how it isn’t true to the spirit of Conan or the originals or your fanfic, go right ahead.  I don’t care enough about the product to do anything more than applaud your ability to do so.  Wait, does Conan the Barbarian even have a passionate fanbase?

Anyways, pretty much the only reason I watched Conan the Barbarian was because of the lovely Rachel Nichols, who is usually far and away the best thing about any movie she’s been in.  Without her, P2 would have just been lacking and that dress would have looked terrible on any other woman.  G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra would have had an inferior Scarlett and the sequel isn’t even going to have her in it and that outrages me.  I’m slightly biased because she made a fan for life out of me with her @ reply on Twitter (see celebrities, this is how you interact with your fans), but c’mon, Rachel Nichols, she’s gorgeous and talented and weird and I dig that.  #SheCanGetIt

The film stars “Game of Thrones'” Jason Momoa as the titular Barbarian, and there’s a sword and sorcery type storyline about bloodlines and reincarnation and whatever.  This is a movie that clearly knows what it is, a gleeful throwback to 80’s mindless action movies.  Were it not for the high definition and the extremely saucy blood gushes, it would fit right in.  The skulls in this movie are as easily smashed open as they were in Centurion and this movie is pretty much exactly what you think it’ll be.  I was literally checking things off the formula for this kind of movie, and happy to do it.

It’s not a great movie, but it is an entertaining one.  I would say that if they ever try to make a Prince of Persia sequel, they should watch this movie over and over again and find a way to eliminate the buckets of blood and bare breasts (the boobs weren’t in buckets, just to be clear) and make something that isn’t as tedious and boring as The (eternally dropping) Sands of Time was.  Also, put Rachel Nichols in everything.

3 / 5

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About SkoochXC
Long-time blogger, Canadian, cine-snark-aphile, Tweeter and generally lonely hearted guy.

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