Zookeeper (2011)

The opening two minutes of Zookeeper establishes Leslie Bibb’s character as a cunt.  I don’t just throw that word around, but she rejects Kevin James’ character, Griffin, because he’s merely a zookeeper.  Then later on, the talking animals that Griffin looks after teach him that to be a success and to get that cunty woman back, he has to act like a cunt to people.  So he does, and I die inside a little more and people keep paying money to see shit like this.  $150 million at the box office for something that is essentially Single Dr. Doolittle’s New Groove.

Seriously, there are a load of talented people involved in this movie.  Hell, even Kevin James is a likable enough actor, but he continues to go with the easy, lowest common denominator making piles of money route.  I don’t even know if he’s looking for his own Punch-Drunk Love.  Maybe someone should make a meta movie about him called Finding Kevin James or some shit, I don’t know.  Currently, I’m watching him talk to what appears to be a CGI or animatronic gorilla (voiced by Nick Nolte) and taking Donnie Wahlberg down a peg.  Also, all these animals talk but there’s a Toy Story-esque “code” where they cannot expose this secret to humans.

I wanted to Live-Tweet how terrible this movie is, but it’s an overall terrible, not an in pieces terrible.  Unless of course you like watching Kevin James falling down.  Then it’s five stars, easy, like omg it is the bomb.  I fucking hate this movie, though I thought it would have been funnier if they called it Paul Blart: Zookeeper, then I might have actually laughed once.

0 / 5

Another thought that occurred to me during my research, well not a thought, just y’know a gripe.  Ebert had actually been getting better the past few years in my opinion.  Then I see that he gave this movie 3 / 4 and said that it wasn’t a great movie in the review, and damned it with even more faint praise saying that at least the animals had the good taste to be in 2D, like that was a choice that the animals made.  That is my gripe.  Ebert, get back to being sensible.