The Spy Next Door (2010)

Sigh.  I remind myself all the time that this is about the greater good.  I watch these things so you don’t have to.  I am your Movie Guru Martyr.  When this year is over and I don’t have the self-imposed movieaday challenge looming over me, I can get back to watching only the movies I want to see.  Which makes me wonder what I’ll do with this blog come January 1, 2012.  I might just post old reviews, or re-review things, since I’ll only be watching movies I like.  I can re-watch things like True Grit and Thor, etc. without feeling like I’m wasting precious movieaday time.  Or maybe I’ll accept challenges of the shittiest movies to watch (3 Ninjas vs. Hulk Hogan or whatever it’s called is still on my hard drive!).  Speaking of shitty movies…

This one.  I hate when movie kids act older and smarter than they have any right to be.  This is not precocious, it is not cute, it is dumb.  It is insulting to audiences both young and old.  Just because a movie is a family movie does not mean that it has to dumb down everything and feature the absolute worst in performances and writing and direction.  I mentioned yesterday how the Pirates of the Caribbean movie franchise features action set pieces that are the equivalent of a Rube Goldberg machine.  And then I watch a Jackie Chan movie, where he uses a child tied to him on a chair as a prop in his chop socky fight scenes.

AND THE WRITING.  After hanging up the phone on Jackie Chan saying she doesn’t want to speak to him, literally the next scene has Amber Valletta saying “WE NEED TO TALK!”.  I literally wanted to punch every child in this movie.  I also preferred Brandon Stroud’s alternate title “Chinaman Babysitter”.  I cried real tears because of how terrible this movie is.  Oh, and Billy Ray “Soul Patch” Cyrus and George fucking Lopez are in the movie too.  It’s a perfect storm of hell.

0.5 / 5 and that half point is strictly for some of the chop socky fight scenes.  Half of them are shit, oh fuck it 0 / 5


About SkoochXC
Long-time blogger, Canadian, cine-snark-aphile, Tweeter and generally lonely hearted guy.

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