Godzilla (1998)

Ugh.  What a terrible, horrible, ill-conceived idea.  I will give you my rating right now, 1.5 / 5… probably.. I might change that, but it was not good.  And lucky You!  I collected the Tweets I made on the movie while I was watching it!  It’s better than my Source Code commentary, I promise you, because bullet points are easier to read!

And here, open this up in another tab, listen to The Wallflowers cover David Bowie as you read my past Tweets. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQ0J602X53c

– this movie isn’t going well to start, ‘specially when Vicki Lewis eyefucks Matthew Broderick

– oh good Harry Shearer is in this, the physical inspiration for C. Montgomery Burns

– why does the person named Desiree look like a man? #Godzilla1998 1998 wasn’t THAT long ago was it? IT WAS?

– good to see that Kevin Dunn wasn’t afraid of being in shit for money, even back then

– I’d say Jean Reno is France’s answer to Chuck Norris, but monsieur Reno has been in a lot of shitty movies so yes he is

– some type of enormous reptile.. thank you Miss Scientist

– another Simpsons actor, Hank “The Body” Azaria playing yet another version of Ethnic Stereotype!

– was Matthew Broderick REALLY considered a sex symbol in 1998?#Godzilla1998 future generations will be mystified when they see his bowtie

– I really don’t think #Godzilla1998 is interested in your “bait”, fisherman, prepare to eat DOCK

– man, Roland Emmerich is a master of subtly; some directors would build mystery & tension, not him! #ballstothewall #Godzilla1998 #thissucks

  Twitter should have Timed Ignores so you don’t have 2 put up with my Tweets 4 the next 2 hours about #Godzilla1998 good thing it’s Saturday

– did this movie kill Lead Actress who I cannot name’s career before it even got off the ground?

– Did she just call Azaria a retard? #NotCool #Godzilla1998 #racist

– Doug Savant lost #Godzilla1998

– I can never tell if Harry Shearer is taking his acting role seriously or not, no matter what movie he’s in

– “You crazy wop!” WHOOOOOA #NotCool #racist #Godzilla1998who wrote this shit?

– Jean Reno is not pleased with American cuisine

– I don’t think #Godzilla1998 is hiding in an executive bathroom, seriously, “check all the buildings”? Is it hiding behind a billboard?

– even American French Roast coffee isn’t good enough for Jean Reno!

– if this movie gets any worse I’m just going to have to keep Tweeting about it #Godzilla1998 #6000Tweets MORE #RACISM! “You people!”

– well if #Godzilla1998 went for the bait on that fisherman’s hook, of course it’ll go for a HUGE PILE OF FISH; wait, it’s in the sewers? HOW?

– did anyone read the script for this before they started making it? Okay, is it enormous or just huge?

– oh look it’s so cute can we keep this giant disgusting terrifying monster? CAN WE HUH CAN WE? Ask your father

– antipretty_yyc @SkoochXC  #spoileralert, there are baby godzillas! #Godzilla1998

– @antipretty_yyc WELL NOW I’M JUST GOING TO TURN THIS HORRID MESS OFF AND CRY ABOUT IT #Godzilla1998 #spoiler

– Does this #Godzilla1998 have a giant dong or something? Is it going to be THAT big of a surprise if it has a giant lizard vagina?

– “None of these bullets seem to be hurting it but all the buildings around are horribly damaged!”

– #Godzilla1998 would never be able to get away with this in 2011, people would be Tweeting about it instantaneously

– “omg giant lizard on 4th, @AirForce plz attack” and then none of this destruction happens #Godzilla1998 #TwitterSolvesDisasters

– Apparently that is the “Official US Airforce Twitters” so don’t be @Airforce tweeting, LIVES ARE AT STAKE #Godzilla1998

– no, #Godzilla1998 is not pregnant, are your serious? I reiterate, who wrote this? Did they just read #Godzilla1998 and assume #MONEY?

– Why was there only 1 giant footprint? Was #Godzilla1998 hopping? No room in the budget for another footprint?

– OH HO HO HO THE VIRGIN LIZARD OH HO HO *chortles* FUCK

– “Sure, even though there’s a giant lizard loose in the city, I’d love to go to a bar!”

– “Oh really? You don’t want me to look at the giant destructive lizard monster anymore? Whooo…er.. Drat!”

– You hurt Ferris Bueller emotionally, he was your friend, dammit!

– You’re taking the moral high ground, Matthew Broderick? Really? You married Sarah Jessica Parker!

– of course there’s an hour left in #Godzilla1998 #IDrinkForAReason

– “It is 1998, heroes in movies don’t smoke, get rid of that!” #Godzilla1998 according to Reno, Americans look like slack-jawed yokels #racist

– thing I learned watching #Godzilla1998 : there is a Ferris Bueller Bot, and he accused me of killing the car

– apparently #Godzilla1998 is nocturnal like @FIREBALLhamster meaning it’ll only terrify you at night, so also a vampire lizard

– “Did #Godzilla1998 destroy your home?” “No, it was the fucking @Army , who trains those people to shoot anyways?” “THOSE PEOPLE?” #racist

– I keep thinking Michael Lerner is @ebertchicago in this movie. Was that a conscious decision?

– You can destroy The White House in monster/disaster movies, but not Madison Square Garden #Godzilla1998 how dare you

– Yes, he does have a problem, he was just hugging a giant lizard monster egg, WHO DOES THAT?

– so is this #JurassicPark or #Godzilla1998 ?

– if @HankAzaria ever sees this, I’d like to know what he thought about #Godzilla1998

– oh man these lizards are clever girls #Godzilla1998 #JurassicPark what movie is this?

– was the direction “Run like an Italian would!” @HankAzaria ? You can confide in your Twitter audience #Godzilla1998 #racistfilmmaking

– “He’s from France” does not explain badassery

– HOW MAGICAL oh shit it’s the real #Godzilla1998 not all the raptor babies

– how bad is a movie when you can say “Well, it’s no 2012” and mean it as a compliment?

– I am convinced this movie just contains unused footage from #JurassicPark

– you do not high-beam #Godzilla1998 and JUST GET AWAY WITH IT

– it’s running on the bridge.. no.. nothing makes sense anymore #Godzilla1998 or did it ever?

– what a fucking travesty

– I am shocked that there wasn’t a sequel

If you want, read more about it on the Wiki or on IMDb I guess.  Apparently the Ebert reference WAS a conscious one!

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About SkoochXC
Long-time blogger, Canadian, cine-snark-aphile, Tweeter and generally lonely hearted guy.

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